of fake American accent and fractured grammar

This is the unofficial list of the things you need to bring or have before applying to any call centers. WARNING: I am not encouraging anyone to enter the intellectual prostitution arena where you are paid for your pseudo-fluency in English. This entry might contain innumerable metaphors and hyperboles.

1. Diction.
More than your fake American accent and fractured grammar, be sure to always 'taste your words twice' before uttering them. Everything that slips out of your mouth could cause your success; yet, a single misused word could send you back home.

During a panel interview, an GAY applicant was asked to describe his self in three words. For someone who could fairly understand the English language, this type of question is as easy as a what-is-your-name question. Not unless you are brain dead, you can't answer this.

To my disbelief/surprise, these were the words he answered: SOPHISTICATED. DEMURE. COMPLEX. O My Gash. He could surely, and effortlessly, grab a Little Ms. BaranGAY title for his answer. But when he was asked 'what is sophisticated', he answered a BIG smile...

...and nothing else.


2. Jacket.
When I went to NCO in Q. Ave for my first (unsuccessful) application, it was summer then. And wearing my jacket under the scorching heat of the sun wasn't a good idea at all.

Or so I thought. I was a frozen ice candy inside the reception area; sitting and wishing for someone who was kind enough to blanket me with jacket. The moment I felt that I couldn't really stand the chill, I rushed down and bought myself a hot coffee -- and then, I saw Dino Imperial (that boy in most MyPldt DSL commercials) -- two fncking feet away from me -- drinking his C2 in an exaggeratedly slow motion. He was so hot that I had forgotten I was literally freezing that moment.

Lesson learned: If you want to see a hot guy who stars in a commercial, do not bring a jacket.

3. Ballpen.
Aside from its obvious use, ballpens can be used as a deadly weapon. The good news is, unlike guns and knives, security guards won't freak out when they caught you holding a ballpen.

If in case you grew tired with that insipid interviewer, you can always stab him to death. Aim for the eyes or throat, this is a good target. Don't forget to bring a tissue.

4. More Ballpens.
Be a helping hand. Your co-applicants might also need some ballpen for the similar purpose above. If you hate yucky blood splatters, you can resort to a less morbid way -- HOSTAGE THE INTERVIEWER. There will be policemen, media, and of course, negotiators.

When they ask you what you want, smile and NEVER hesitate to tell them what you really, really want. Pen is mightier than sword. Right.

5. Confidence.
If you think you are waaaay smarter and better than the HR, do nothing. Don't give him a hard time. Because remember, no matter how good you are in pronouncing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious, you are still under his mercy -- he can hire you, make you wait for millennia, or just simply dump you.

But if you know how to use sarcasm, good for you -- USE IT.